Crazy Vern

Years ago Martin used to work in the same department at IBM that I do. Many of the people who work there have been there forever and will probably stay there until they retire. Ever since I started working, when I get home Martin asks me the same question. Did I meet Vern yet?

Martin told me that Vern is another Yank who works there who is an old hippie and very interesting. He calls him Crazy Vern. Martin told me that Vern lives near by Karrinyup and walks to work. He told me that Vern is an incredible programmer, but is very strange.

This week I met Crazy Vern. Martin was right. The guy is nuts.

I kept seeing this guy with long white flowing hair and intense manner about him racing by my desk. He would always where shorts and hiking boot. I suspected it was Vern, but it wasn't until I glimpsed his name tag did I confirm it. So I stopped him and asked him if he knew Martin Lentz.

Vern remembered Martin, but had to rush off. He seemed nice and normal enough. What was odd is that Vern did not have an American accent. He spoke as if from South Africa or even Ireland. His speech and accent were NOT American. So that night at dinner I told Martin that I met Crazy Vern, but that he was mistaken about his accent. Vern is not American.

Martin was flabbergasted. He swore that Vern had a very American accent. I told him the he did not. So the next day I stopped Vern as he whizzed by. This time I found out why he is Crazy Vern.

I asked him where is was from. It turns out that Vern is, or was, America. He is from Chicago and migrated to Australia in 1972 at the age of 27. In his early 20's he lived in Boston. After he came to Oz he gave up his American citizenship for an Australian one.

Vern has a very, very intense manner about him. As we talked he got more excited and intense. He keep inching closer and closer to my face, and his speech became more excited. His eyes had a crazy look about them. I kept backing up my chair and he kept getting closer and more intense.

I asked Vern it was true that he walked to work from Karrinyup. "Yes", he answered. "It takes about 4 hours.".

"So you walk 8 hours a day to work 8 hours?", I asked.

"Sure", he answered incredulously, as if everyone does this.

I pointed out to him that he had lost his American accent, at least to my ears, yet Aussies still detect it. He speaks with a mixture of American, British, and Australian speech. He uses many words that most Americans would not understand. This comment started a whole triad about some time he spend in the States a few years ago. It turns out that the last time he was in the States he had a problem with the locals understanding him while at a fast food restaurant. While ordering dinner he asked for meal bread. The clerk did not understand what he meant. Vern was shocked that the clerk did not know what "meal" bread was.

"You know, meal. The same stuff bread is made out of. How on earth can they now know what meal bread means? I mean for Christ sakes, what to they make corn bread out of? Corn meal! So what would you make bread out of? Grain meal! It isn't so hard. Those idiots in the States don't even try to understand foreigners. At least here you can use terms from American, England, and Australia interchangeable and people will understand what you mean. I mean you can say 'boot' or 'trunk', or 'windscreen' or 'windshield' for a car here and everyone knows what you are talking about. I know that might be from so many American and British television programs being shown here. But they don't even try over there."

I attempted to defend the fast food workers of the U.S. I pointed out that the average American doesn't encounter strange foreign words, especially if they choose not to. Besides, most suburban American teenagers have never baked bread in his or her life and wouldn't know what corn meal was if it bit them on the ass. I told him that perhaps his expectations where too high.

Vern told me that he reads a lot. He said that he has read almost every English language book that he has ever gotten a hold of and that he found that they bored him, so he switched to French literature which he said is much more enjoyable. After a few years of reading only French he has switched to early Australian writings which are full of words that have fallen out of use.

Then Vern went into this whole discussion about how a few years ago he discovered that if he worked for 6 months in the US, he would have enough credits when combined with the work he did in his 20's in Boston, to collect Social Security when he turns 60. This is in addition to the retirement benefits he will collect from the Australian government for working here since 1972. So he managed to renew his US citizenship to have dual citizenship, went over and worked for 6 months. Pretty damn clever of him. He figured out maximize his citizenship benefits from two countries. He mentioned that he will be dead before the US Social Security system goes bankrupt, so he is not worried at all.

I sure learned a lot in 15 minutes. He is one intense dude. Martin mentioned that he thinks that Vern served with the US military in Vietnam, which would explain a lot.